by Etecia Brown
THE NON-COMMITTED BOO VS. THE "Cutty Buddy"
Having a non-committal boo is any person's worst nightmare. A non-committed boo is when a person is more than a friend and more than a lover but NOT your committed partner. When people are put into the "friend" category this is usually because there is a sexual attraction mismatch; basically a "(s)he's just not that into you" type of situation. Other times these "friends" can be extremely sexually attracted to each other and have passionate sex but there is no commitment to one another or expression to move to another level. Usually all these "friends" ever do is bang bang- -they are your Cutty Buddy, Friend-with-benefits. However, a non-committed boo is different than what has been described. A non-committed boo specifically develops when a situation is pleasant across the board; you may or may not have sex, but regardless you both share intense sexual attraction and spiritual chemistry, you both express romantic compatibility, you have shared interests, you are their sounding board (go to person for emotional venting), and you go on dates--exploring places other than the bedroom; the problem is, they expresses they don't want a partner.
Overall this situation seems to have all the workings of a committed relationship, however, without the title. Often people begin to accept these non-committed relationships in hopes that one day that will transition into the real deal. Well, here's hoping...
One of the most important things to note about having a non-committed boo is that even if things seem to be going well on the surface: laughter is being shared, love is being made, hands are being held, and their money is being spent..your emotional needs are NOT being met. If you want a COMMITTED partner then you should have one, but you might need to accept that it might not be him. However, if you decide you can be their overly dedicated non-committed boo then just prepare yourself for the possibility that they may just make someone else their true COMMITTED partner. Bottom line is someone in this "relationship" is not getting what they want and need. And usually you are the one who wants, while you are also the one giving in hopes of them realizing you are "partner material"- what you think he needs. All great relationships are mutually-satisfying (social exchange) and an even trade of emotions, ideas, passion, time, and investment.
When someone is your non-committed boo then the exchange is unequal and it ends up not feeling so great after all. Think about how they is getting everything they wants: your time, your body, your support, your care, your comfort, your beautiful mind...and you are well, not being satisfied. This is where the phrase "drive slow" comes in handy...pump the breaks! You have given them everything without getting what you needed. You wouldn't go to a store to buy a beverage give the cashier the money and leave before they gave you your drink would you? In the words of Chris Tucker, "same time man, same time!"
"BUT WE ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER"
Someone who find themselves in an uncommitted relationship may often think about all the reasons why the other person should give in and commit. Finding a match is difficult in this day in age. Especially with the idol worship of rappers who celebrate strippers, escorts, and video vixens; it becomes difficult for people, especially young people, to find a reason to commit when there is a person out there willing to do more for less. So, when you do come across a person who is equally as physically attractive, intellectual, and social as well as shares your same values, interests and beliefs it can be refreshing and spiritually gratifying. Why would you want to let this person go? You wouldn't...so you find yourself in a situation where you accept this "match" as your non-committed boo.
IF you two are such a great match, why then wouldn't they want to be your committed partner? There could be a number of reasons. First, you must consider well...they may already have a partner they are a complete liar. Second, maybe they doesn't like you as much as they say and act like they do-- but they genuinely just enjoy your company. Thirdly, maybe they don't have time for a committed relationship. Pause think about that one...If he is your non-committed boo and you two are already going on dates, having lengthy phone conversations, exchanging texts and emails and sleeping together then he does in fact have TIME for a committed relationship. Sadly, this is just a poor excuse to avoid an even deeper issue (perhaps revisit reason number two or see next reason). Lastly, maybe they aren't attracted to your gender, and are using you to figure things out.
Consider how your non-committed boo treats you and who they are at their core. Do you think you are going after, or waiting for the wrong person?
You may find it easier to ditch your non-committed boo and find yourself better matched with someone who is interested in you from the start. To find this person you must first know what you want and what you are willing to give. You must also learn to see the warning signs to know when someone is just no that into you. A "lady" always knows when to leave.
COMMUNICATION BEFORE FORNICATION
When you know what you want you begin to shape your expectations and demand they be met. People especially like a person who is firm in their convictions and demands respect. A person who is passive or uncertain (self-doubting) quickly loses a prospective boo's interest. A non-committed boo settles for this situation because a true commitment is too risky for his little heart to bare. People who comply with this situation often want a committed relationship from the beginning but they have sex with the prospective boo before a commitment can be created. You must remember to get what you want first before giving up all you have to offer. Do not be afraid of standing your ground. A person who is worth your god package will accept your terms and grant you the title. Communication is key so that you do not settle for less than you were expecting. A sign of insecurity is settling to be someone's non-committed boo. This shows you are afraid of rejection and also seems sneaky like you are trying to win them over by "acting" like their committed partner. Rarely ever does a non-committed boo turn into a partner. So no matter what, be straightforward from the beginning of a courtship and make your list of demands, if they cant meet them move on.
NICE PEOPLE FINISH LAST
Another reason your lover may be your non-committed boo is because simply your just "too" nice. You do all the work. They often come to your house instead of you going to theirs. When they come over you cook for them. When they takes you out it's far and few. You are making the majority of sacrifices and meeting their needs and demands. You are trying your hardest to show them that it is easy to be with you.
Meanwhile, you are being taken for granted. They forget about you most days of the week; you have lost your value in their eyes. Well, because they never really had to work for you. A person will respect you and be more attracted to you if they have to go out of their way for you. Of course a person who makes various investments in another person will see them as valuable and want to commit fully. So when you do all the work you are making yourself a non-committed boo. We tend to be emotionally attached to our investments because we have more to lose if something goes haywire, therefore we want to protect them at all costs. You must make sure that both of you are equally invested in each other as well as equally contributing to the relationship on an intellectual, spiritual, and emotional level. If they aren't satisfying your needs then ask them about it!
Remember you are worth the title. Be assertive and self aware. You will be miserable if you allow them to continue to be your non-committed boo. If this person is worth it, make sure they know that you want to be in a committed relationship. Say to yourself, 'either they are fully with me or I'm gone'. Then you need to really leave. Be with the person who sees your god-self.